Worst Blogger

I made a comment to blog everyday or atleast every other day. No go so far. Things here have been rather out of sorts.
I know God gives you as much as he thinks you can handle but geez my plate is so full. I never thought in a million years how hard four kids could be.
B is starting tennis, leadership, student council and she works. She is also preparing for 3 weeks of Europe. Red is still doing basketball but open gyms for softball have started. We have had 4 games in the the last 4 days. Yes, even on Sunday. Curtis also coaches basketball and softball. His work has slowed down and now they work 4 10 hour days but he spends the rest of the time working on his race truck. The first race is March 29th the day after I come back from a week long school trip to Washington DC and New York with 40 other people. HELP.
Curtis has been sick. They are not sure what is wrong with him. He saw a specialist, he breaks out into hives all the time with a cronic cough. They seem to have the cough undercontrol now but the hives. It has to do with his immune system attacking itself??? He goes back to the dr on Monday, and retest. Hopefully, they will know what is wrong.
I have been trying to finish up home improvements that I have started. I got in hinges and knobs for the kitchen cabinets. 1970s home with the 1970s hardware. I did one cabinet it looks great. 17 more to go. I will have to figure out how to post some before and after pictures. Well, dishes are calling me. I will be back tomorrow. Promise.

Sick kids updated

So far there has been NO chickenpox in our house. That's a good thing. P has ran a fever for 4 days now. Just a low grade on yesterday and today but he must be feeling better. He is the middle child and has the middle child tude. Love my son to death but boy he can be a handful. Whenl, D gets to do something and P doesn't. He will never let you live it down.
D got to go with Dad and Red today to play softball in the gym. He was going to shag the balls. P reminded us that it was his turn and not Ds. D got to go last time. When will it ever end? I just want a little peace and quite. lol

Sick Kids

The school called yesterday to say P had a fever. He ran a 103 all day yesterday. No other systoms. There have been a few reported chicken pox cases at the schools. My boys have gotten their shot but.............Red's best friend has the chickenpoxes and she too had her shot. So never say never. I will have to wait and see.
The boys have asthma and I am a firm believer of living a normal life and not letting it control you but you controlling it. Some of the meds they are on lower you immune system. You may have trouble fighting off infection. Excuse me but what the hell does that help with. It seems like when a new cold surfaces my sons get it. I feel like I am running in a circle.
In the home, I have done everything I can to keep us cold free and asthma related stuff clean. We have hardwood floors thru the whole house, special mattress pads on the beds, anything and everything for mold and dust.
But, we can't live in a bubble. We just want to be normal.

Believing in prayer.

For the longest time I had lost my way. Why? Because, God took the love of my life away. But, I soon began to realize it made me stronger. I was angery for awhile for taking away my husband but he had a much bigger plan for him.
I soon found my way again. I had a difficult pregnancy and delivary with the boys. I prayed. I prayed for their health and my health. I needed to be better for them and my daughters. 1 month after the boys were born Red had to have a tumor removed from her neck. I prayed. She was my baby and a spitting image of her dad. I prayed when my dad had a heart attack and triple by-pass.
Tonight, I pray for my oldest daughter who is stuggling with her dad's death. Yes, it has been 11 years. She is just wanting answers. Answers, I don't have. No one has. I pray that I will help her understand, which, I myself have a hard time understanding. Teenage years are hard. I believe God will help me in the right direction.

MY PAST

My past?!
We all have a past. It shapes who were are in the future. Right? What if I don't like how my past has shaped me? What if I miss someone so much that it aches everytime I think of them? That's how I feel today, yesterday and I know I will tomorrow.
I ache. My heart aches. My heart aches for him and it aches knowing my daughters will never remember their DAD.
Almost 11 years ago, my first true love, the person I loved with my "whole" heart, the person that changed me and made me who I am today, had children with ended his life. To this day I will never know why, other than the fact we were so in debt to the IRS, which he kept from me. I truely believe he died knowing we would be better off money wise. What he didn't know was how deeply hurt, I we would hurt from it.
He was a kind, gentle and loving person. He changed me from a shy country girl to an out going wild child. He brought out a part of me that I never knew was in there. A part that I liked being. I don't like who I am now. I think I have lost that wild child in me. She died when he died. I have to be grounded now. I have to think I am the only one left for my daughters. Don't get me wrong here............I did meet someone new. We did marry and have 2 boys of our own. He is a great person, husband, dad and stepdad. But, I think he got cheated. I couldn't give him my "whole" heart. It was broken and still is. It is a different kind of love. Our marriage is different. I am different. I don't let very new people into my life. I don't like to share my past with new people it's too hard or too private. I know it's not fair but I don't want to get hurt.
I want my past to be my past and quit being my future. I don't want to ache anymore and I want to love Curtis with my "whole" heart. Will my past ever go away?