MY PAST

My past?!
We all have a past. It shapes who were are in the future. Right? What if I don't like how my past has shaped me? What if I miss someone so much that it aches everytime I think of them? That's how I feel today, yesterday and I know I will tomorrow.
I ache. My heart aches. My heart aches for him and it aches knowing my daughters will never remember their DAD.
Almost 11 years ago, my first true love, the person I loved with my "whole" heart, the person that changed me and made me who I am today, had children with ended his life. To this day I will never know why, other than the fact we were so in debt to the IRS, which he kept from me. I truely believe he died knowing we would be better off money wise. What he didn't know was how deeply hurt, I we would hurt from it.
He was a kind, gentle and loving person. He changed me from a shy country girl to an out going wild child. He brought out a part of me that I never knew was in there. A part that I liked being. I don't like who I am now. I think I have lost that wild child in me. She died when he died. I have to be grounded now. I have to think I am the only one left for my daughters. Don't get me wrong here............I did meet someone new. We did marry and have 2 boys of our own. He is a great person, husband, dad and stepdad. But, I think he got cheated. I couldn't give him my "whole" heart. It was broken and still is. It is a different kind of love. Our marriage is different. I am different. I don't let very new people into my life. I don't like to share my past with new people it's too hard or too private. I know it's not fair but I don't want to get hurt.
I want my past to be my past and quit being my future. I don't want to ache anymore and I want to love Curtis with my "whole" heart. Will my past ever go away?