ups and downs of my feelings

As the holidays get closer, I throw myself more and more into keeping busy. I just hate this time of year.
I ache for the girls' dad. He was a great person. He impacted my life along with my brothers life. My brothers looked up to him. They thought of him as a big brother. He was a big brother, friend and role model to them. My brother's ex spouse has drug him into the mud and he is trying to get out. The only thing that keeps him going is his son and the impact Frank left on his life. I hope Frank knows when he left us here, he left a huge impact on our lives that made us stronger. I believe, when he died he gave us his strength.
We are going on our 12th Christmas without him. I remember our last Christmas together like it was yesterday. We looked so happy. We were happy. If I could have looked into his eyes and known what pain he was in, I would have given my body and soul to help him. I just wish he would have told me how much pain he was in.
I remember how raw the pain was in the early days. Now sometimes, I just am numb. No feeling at all. I often wonder, if I had not built this brick wall around me if I wouldn't be so numb. Have I truly grieved for him? I think as milestones happen in life, I try to keep it together without loosing it. I have to right?
When, Frank died, I lived in this bubble that protected me from the outside world. My world stopped. It wasn't until later, that I realized that the world keep moving and life still went on. It didn't for me. I look back, and can't believe it has been almost 12 years. 12 years without him. I have lived my adult life longer without him than with him.
The man that gave me a rose, the second time I saw him. I never told him, but he melted my heart the first time he smiled at me from across the room at a party. The man, that stole my heart that night. The man, that taught me how to bait a hook, gut a fish, go hunting, sleep in the back of a truck, climb the roof and watch a meteor shower, or look up at the stars and how bright they were on a clear night. He showed me the correct way to make pancakes or better yet how to do straight shots of tequila, play strip poker and call his bluff or is that buff? Most of all he taught me how to love myself, to be strong, to believe in myself, to smile everyday, how to be a better person. We may have struggled in the beginning of raising our girls but we taught each other how to be parents.
I know he thought the girls and I would be better off without him. I just wish my love was enough for him. I just wish......................................it was enough for him, because his love was enough for me.